hypermegaglobal.net

While driving through the icy rain to the Belle Etoile shopping center today I heard on the radio that Jean-Claude Juncker called the current crisis "the most severe in the last 30 years". If you think that's not so bad, keep in mind that my Luxembourgish is worse than my Chinese, so it's entirely possible he actually said this is "the worst crisis since the 1930s".

Anyhow, after I discovered that the Lego toy which I wanted to buy (as a present) was already sold out (thanks, Cactus, I thrive on frustrating shopping experiences), I suddenly realized how we could save the economy: What we need is an Anti-Christmas!

OK, this might need some explaining: Christmas is all about love. And presents. My proposed Anti-Christmas would be about hate. And presents, too. Instead of giving presents to the people you love, you'd give them to the ones you hate.

I'm sure you'll immediately agree that the enormous additional demand for presents is going to save our economy. You might however be worried that buying presents for people you hate is as difficult and time-consuming as buying regular Christmas presents. Luckily, these worries are completely unfounded.

Let me show you how easy and entertaining it could be to buy Anti-Christmas presents for your typical average family (Mom, Dad, two kids). You can simply apply one of the following strategies:

1. Divide and annoy: The key is to choose something kids love and parents hate, like temporary tattoos. The fact that they "disappear after a week with regular washing" won't appease the parents one day before the big family get-together.

2. Confuse and make them fight: For clueless anti-family guys like me, most toys come with an age recommendation. Use this to your advantage by giving each kid a toy which is appropriate for the age of his/her sibling. To prevent them from simply swapping the presents ("uncle hypermegaglobal must have mixed them up"), make sure the younger kid won't surrender his/her present peacefully: "But mum, I like it better and and it has a label with my name on it, see, right here!"

3. Dad, the loser: Still remember the moment you found out your dad wasn't a superhero? This sad feeling is the essence of my proposed Anti-Christmas and you can spread it around by giving the kids something they can't possibly assemble themselves. To make sure dad won't be able to assemble it, either, just replace, deform or hide some key parts or use Altavista's translation service to translate the manual to Japanese and then back to your language.

4. The day dad punched Santa: This might be a bit too much for the average family that you don't like, but if you really hate them, consider buying them a trip to Lapland New Forest.

See, buying presents for Anti-Christmas is fun and easy! Furthermore, you don't have to feel bad about what you're doing because you'll be saving the economy!

Now please excuse me while I order some Lego stuff for the real Christmas from an e-tailer in Germany - can't say I didn't try to "buy local".