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You might have read about the zombie cows dangling by their feet at Charal's slaughterhouse line in Metz. Maybe you've even seen the videos (here, here or here) which were secretly taken by a member of the French animal rights organization L214 (viewer discretion is advised, although the scenes are not quite as bad as those in Earthlings).

Charal's response? They seem to have threatened L214's web host with legal action, forcing the organization to take down the report and the videos from their website¹.

This just has me shaking my head in utter disbelief. As a company with an annual turnover of about a billion euros, Charal should be able to hire qualified people to do the job.

If I were a PR consultant, here's what I would tell Charal.

"Cow-torturing internet-censoring greedy assholes"

What's the average consumer going to think now when he sees your products in the supermarket? Probably something like: "Charal, aren't they those cow-torturing internet-censoring greedy assholes?"

Let's face it: The scenes in the slaughterhouse were ugly. They look like you're willing to cause unnecessary suffering just to have your factory run faster and make more money.

This is bad because consumers should believe that they matter most to you, not your bottom line.

What you have to do now is to grow a pair and say: "It might look ugly, but we only do this for you, our esteemed customers."

"Stamina-giving properties" - it's natural Viagra

Then you should explain how dogs are traditionally slaughtered in some Asian countries:

To make dog meat more tasty and to increase it's stamina-giving properties, many dogs are tortured, perhaps hung for a while, beaten, burned with a blow torch, boiled alive, or slowly bled out--it all helps to increase their sheer terror the dog feels and thus boosts the adrenaline in its flesh.

Say it with me: "If it works for dogs, why shouldn't it work for cows? The only reason we torture them is to make their meat more tasty!"

That'll earn you the respect and sympathy of Gourmands everywhere. It'll also solve your legal problems: If the law says you have to avoid any unnecessary suffering you can simply claim that the suffering documented in the video is - "unfortunately" - absolutely necessary because otherwise the meat tastes like crap.

You're welcome. No chèques please, I accept payments through PayPal, just click on the button on the right.

¹On September 5th, the following had been posted on L214.com:

Charal a fait pression auprès notre hébergeur (Gandi) via la loi LCEN (Loi pour la confiance dans l'économie numérique). Soit nous retirions nos informations et images dévoilant les pratiques d'abattage des bovins dans l'abattoir Charal de Metz, soit Gandi nous coupait l'intégralité du site pour se protéger lui-même de Charal.

Nous avons donc été contraints de retirer les pages et vidéos concernant notre enquête chez Charal.